Spring Break 2011 (Grand Canyon and Petrified Wood Forest)

Pictures to be uploaded soon

Finally answers

So, I always knew there was something peculiar about me.  I could not put my finger on it, but I just knew I didn't do things the way most normal adults do things.  I have to work harder for the same outcome and I have a keen desire for justice.  A huge light bulb moment went off last night as I was reading my special needs book.  Ironically, the chapter covered both gifted students and students with ADHD (previously known as ADD).  I could not believe what I was reading.  It all fit me!  Both spectrums.  First, let me start with the details of the emotional needs of a gifted and talented student.

     "Gifted and talented students can be well liked and emotionally healthy, or they can be unpopular and at risk for serious emotional problems.  They tend to have unusual sensitivity to others' feelings as well as highly developed emotional depth and intensity, a keen sense of humor that can be either supportive or hostile, and A SENSE OF JUSTICE.  They often have a sense of obligation to help others...  These students have high expectations of themselves and others, which often leads to frustration when those expectations are not met.... Some gifted students have a superior ability to recognize and respond to others' feelings, they can be extremely popular with other classmates.  If they can tend to show off their talents repeatedly or challenge adult authority, they are perceived negatively by peers and have problems developing appropriate social relationships....  Some gifted and talented students are self-confident, have a strong positive self concept and others feel isolated or alienated and can experience depression, low self concept, and other emotional problems." 

Here are a few of the top 10 traits of gifted and talented students emotional needs that apply to ME: *Many gifted children are exceptionally sensitive. They are sensitive to the way they are treated, but also to the way others are treated. Their heightened sensitivity can lead to existential depression. They may feel overwhelmed by a sense of hopelessness and helplessness. *Gifted children’s feelings are easily hurt. This includes a low or no tolerance for perceived criticism from others. The operative word here is “perceived” since actual criticism is not necessary to upset a child who is highly sensitive *Sometimes the stress of going to school every day gets to be too much for gifted kids. They want to learn and can get frustrated and even depressed when they aren't able to do that in school because the information is not new or exciting. *One fairly common fault of gifted children is bossiness. This fault can be rather puzzling to parents when it exists in a child who is otherwise sensitive to the needs of others. *The fear and feeling of helplessness generated by catastrophic and tragic events can cause children to become stressed and anxious.  *Gifted children may have wonderfully vivid imaginations, but those vivid imaginations can lead to some pretty intense fears.  *Introverted, extroverted or both.

Now if that just does not summarize me in a nut shell, I just could not believe what I was reading about ADHD students.  Could I seriously have ADHD?  I think I do.  I laugh just to write this, but it is true.  Although causes of ADHD are not clear, most researchers believe that children are prone to have this disorder if they grew up in an unstructured home.... hmmnn.  I am not passing the blame, but come on, can any home with 9 children be structured?  Do not get me wrong, I had a fantastic childhood, but I look back and realize that growing up on a farm, rarely changing out of a bathing suit or wearing shoes in the summer time and fighting for attention may be a little unstructured to most observers.  So here it is, the list of behaviors displayed by students with ADHD:

"Makes careless mistakes"  check

"has difficulty sustaining attention" check

"seems not to listen"  check

Fails to give close attention to detail" check

"Fails to finish tasks" check

"has difficulty organizing" check

"avoids tasks that require sustained attention" check

"loses things" check

"becomes easily distracted" check

"forgetful" check

"fidgets" Double check if I am at church or in the movies

"unable to stay seated"

"Has difficulty making and keeping friends" check

"on the go" check

"Talks excessively" check

"Temper tantrums" not so much, thank goodness

"acts bossy" check

"Defiant" check

"blurs out answers before questions are completed"

"difficulty awaiting a turn" check

"interrupts conversations" check

"acts before thinking" check

"Fails to read directions" check

There are 3 kinds of ADHD: Inattentive, hyperactive, combined.  I definitely fall in the Inattentive type: "Students appear to day dream. They do not hear directions and sometimes skip parts of an assignment they just did not notice.  They frequently loose things."

How did I make it this far without being diagnosed?  How have I earned/on track to earn a 4.0 in college the past 3 semesters with ADHD, undiagnosed or treated? Can I qualify for a disability if I prove my case?  :) jk  Maybe it is because I am both gifted and ADHD.  SO bizarre, I know.

Lent 2011

A few years back, my sister Becca inspired me to practice Lent.  I thought a lot about what I was going to give up this year.  It was at Midnight on Ash Wednesday when the revelation came... Give up Facebook.  40 days of no facebook.  Wow!  Facebook is how my neighborhood communicates with each other. After 2 days, I feel so lost and unaware of what is going on in my personal TMZ.  I can't wait to see how I handle this change in my life.  I may actually realize a Facebook- free life is actually a positive change I will continue after Good Friday comes and goes.  We'll see.

In the meantime, I will post my daily/weekly feelings here :)

I must give a shout out to my wonderful and talented Brooke.  Report cards come home today and she scored straight A's once again! (A's all three quarters so far this year, including honors math.  woohoo!!)  To make this accomplishment more profound, let me quickly mention Brooke's activities this past week.  Before school cheer practice 3 days, before school orchestra (violin) 2 days, after school soccer practice/games 4 days, after school NJHS, CHEER competition, Choir performance, tumbling and Church youth group.  If that doesn't make you exhausted, just keeping up with her wipes me out.  GO Brooke!

One more time...

On Christmas Day... My SILs and I sat around my father in laws kitchen table having a conversation.  Nothing heated or opinionated, just talking about whatever.  My father in law did not like something I said in support of one of Corey's uncles so he came over to the table wanted to chime in.  I stood firm in my support... So upset, he looked directly at me and said that his trust was set up so his 4 children would not receive equal amounts.  WHAT??? Where did that come from? More hurtful words were said, with his voice shaking from emotion. In the end I got what he was really intending.  'I won't be alive to see your face when you learn about the trust and the unequal division, so I want to appreciate this hurtful message by telling you while I am alive.'  I pondered upon this poisonous event the rest of Christmas Day.  Knowing Corey was sitting on the couch listening to the ordeal, I decided I would ask Corey what he thought and if the unequal division bothered him.  If it didn't, I would rest my case and move on... Like I always do!  Lying in bed Christmas night, I asked Corey, "If your Dad was to die and you discovered His will gave more to your siblings than it did to you, would you be sad?"  After thinking for a few minutes, he humbly and quietly said... "Yes, it would make me really sad."  We both went on to discuss that it would be better for the $ to be donated to a charity than to be divided unequally.  We discussed how all 3 of Corey's siblings (or siblings spouses) make more income than Corey does, so this is not a situation of helping a child in need of money.  This unequal division is only intended to hurt.  The fact that we had to learn about this on Christmas Day, probably years before my FIL's death is really despicable.   I started thinking back. I guess so much has happened over the years and I have tried so hard to forgive and forget and be kind.  I sincerely have not gone looking for trouble, but in the words of Corey's sister in an apology email to me a while back she said, the Gilchrist family has never been nice you (ME!) and she doesn't know why.  She said they have treated others better than they have treated me.  After accepting her apology, I took almost a year away from the Gilchrists family.  I went back hoping things would change.  I really did.  To now once again go through an experience like this really made me rethink a lot of things.  I am not going to go into the snake hole telling myself the snakes aren't hungry or won't bite again.  Basically, why should I even go near their hole?  I have decided to Be True, not mean or hateful, just true to the situation that has always been.  Relationships need to be earned and developed and this one is in need of a lot of work.

On another note, Over the past several years, especially since last August, I have pondered about my beliefs.  I know my children will read this one day, so I will spare the specifics.  I decided to "be true" to myself about what I believe.  I believe Christ is the Savior of the world.  I know he attoned for my sins.  I no longer consider myself a Mormon, but a follower of Christ.  I have read and prayed about the book of Mormon and believe it to be written by ancient prophets.  I also am grateful for the blessings of the word of wisdom.  I am a very addictive person and I truly believe I am a much healthier person because of it.  I am a better mom & wife because I live according to it.  I am extremely grateful for the Christian lessons my children are being taught.  To be kind, to forgive, to pray, to study the scriptures, to be healthy.  However, in an adult Sunday school class at church, I am often the one who gives the class a reality check, especially if Corey is not sitting next to me.  Although I am a full tithe payer and always have been I do NOT believe "paying tithing will make you 'blessed in abundance' or without trial." as was taught in SS 2 weeks ago. So, today the teacher had the class fill in the blanks on the board... "People will know I am a Mormon because ....  and ...."  Really????? YUCK! One of my friends answered saying "how we dress, where we are and who we are with."   Come on people.  She had not even finished what she was saying before I rebutted her comments and said "does it really matter who we are with. Mormon or not!"  PUKE!  I can be a Mormon and go to lunch with someone in a tube top & tatted out with pink hair.  Does that take away my Mormon attributes?  If it does, then I don't want to be Mormon.  I want to be a follower of Christ.  I want to befriend everyone. the lepper, the lonely, the sinner, the nonmormon!  I want to be the first person to help someone in need, not because I am assigned to visit teach them, but because I am inspired to help them. A little later in the same SS lesson, I again commented in the class that we needed to remove ourselves from this little Mormon community we live in.  If we lived on the east coast, all of our friends would be non mormons and no one would be able to decipher a mormon from a non mormon by what clothes one wears or what friends one hangs out with.  So the teacher then asked me, "if I lived on the east coast, how would I dress?" and I responded, "Like a follower of Christ."  I would like to hear what the lessons would be like with a room full of non mormons in attendance.  Maybe they would be more Christ-like. 

Backtracking the past year...

January 2010

 I experienced several months of ongoing medical problems.  I was in the thick of school and did not know how I was going to complete my classes.  As a result of the medical issues, I was extremely anemic and if you have ever been anemic you know the main side effect is no energy.  I was not sure what was going on with my body so I went to see my OBGYN in late January.  I am not one for doctors, so this first step was HUGE.  Besides a varicose vein surgery, I had never been to a family doctor in my adult life and only to a OBGYN when I was pregnant or for my annual exam. The doctors office made my appointment with a DO who really did not know what to do about my situation. She suggested a few "band-aid birth control" type remedies and sent me on my way.  After a few weeks and symptoms getting worse, my second appointment was with a MD, 3 months out of residency.  She really knew her stuff and instantly ordered an ultra sound.  1 week passed by and symptoms worsened.  February 2010.  Finally the U.S. gave me answers to a lot of my problems.  Two minutes into the ultra sound, the ultrasound tech said, "You have huge fibroids (grapefruit size) and you will need a hysterectomy soon."  "WHAT?!?!?!"  I was positive this tech person didn't know what she was talking about and was mistaken.  30 minutes later, the doctor confirmed everything the US tech had said.  I relayed to the doctor that I was in the middle of a school semester at ASU and could not have a hysterectomy until school was out in May.  She understood and we scheduled the procedure for 3 months away, nothing temporarily prescribed to slow or lesson my symptoms.  Two weeks later, I layed on the shower floor feeling as though I was bleeding to death with several baseball sized clots coming out of me. I had lost so much blood, for 8 weeks straight, but this day was especially terrible.  I called the OBGYN office and they said to go to the ER immediately.  Heck no!  I would rather die than talk to a male ER doc about my situation.  Plus, I did not have a babysitter and the kids were about to get home from school.  The next day I called my doctors office and scheduled my hysterectomy for spring break.  I cancelled our Park City spring break trip we were so excited about and went under the knife in March. (My OBGYN said she could try to cut the fibroids out but due to the location of the fibroids in my uterus, there was a greater than 50% chance I would end up with a hysterectomy due to extreme amounts of blood loss during the operation.  She said it was a very risky surgery.)

  Up to this point, I had wanted a fourth child.  Each of my children are 3 years 9 months apart and about the time I was considering a possible 4th child to be born 3 years 9 months after Lance, I was overtaken with an altercation with Corey's sister that left me weak, fragile, sad, abused and empty.  (A result of having Easter dinner with my sister's family who had moved to AZ 9 months prior instead of with the Gilchrist family.)  I had put my fourth child plans on hold after April 2009 & was someday planning to get pregnant but still had not. It was one of the worst times in my entire life.  With Corey by my side, I survived this tragic time with a desire to work on healing me, whatever it took.  There was no way I could bring a child into the world in that frame of mind, so I decided to go back to school instead.  I called ASU and requested the requirments needed for me to complete my teaching degree.  The ASU location 2 miles away did not have a secondary math program but informed me that I had well more than enough math credits to get my elementary degree with a math emphasis. (I could teach Jr High math.)  I knew I could not drive the 3 hour round trip + parking to ASU's main campass and leave my young children; 3, 7 & 10, to take care of themselves each afternoon.  ASU allowed me to bypass all the paper work needed and I began summer school classes a few weeks later.  My 4th child was placed on hold as I went back to school and worked on becoming stronger. 

  I have really enjoyed school.... almost as much as I enjoyed working at Banana Republic.  I love getting dressed up, being around adults and having a few hours to erase my ever busy brain from the outside world.  However, I have not enjoyed the stress of homework.  I feel as though I always have a heavy weight on my shoulders from all the assignments to be worked on throughout the semester.  I am a really good student and good grades mean a lot to me.  I pay attention to every word the teacher says and get frustrated at the other students in the class playing on facebook during class.  I find myself answering a lot of the questions because after sitting waiting for 30-45 seconds for someone else to answer, I just raise my hand and answer for the 10th time in a row.  I especially love my intern hours in the real classroom.  I had two fantastic intern classes during block 1 and 2.  First grade and 7th grade math.  I learned so much from these two teachers and cemented my passion of becoming a teacher. 

   During my hours at school, my time away from the kids was a huge struggle/dilemma/sadness.  I went to night school for block 1, leaving 11 year old Brooke to babysit every Monday and Wednesday night from 4pm until Corey arrived home from work.  I observed in the classroom on Fridays while Lance was in 3 year old pre-school.  I hired friends/18 year olds to pick him up from school and take care of him until 2:30.  The unreliability of others and hoping the friend/18 yr old remembered my 3 year old at school was a huge weight on my shoulders.  It was at this time, Lance started becoming sick with PFAPA or Periodic Fever Syndrome.  We did not know what it was at the time.  He would randomly get sick with high fevers for 2-4 days at a time.  Each fever occurrence would ironically happen after going over to a specific friend's home who was watching Lance while I interned on Fridays.  We had him tested for all sorts of things at the doctors office and each time the results were negative.  So many school days were spent leaving my sick 3 year old with my 11 year old so I could attend school or calling my intern teacher to inform her of my sick child.  A year into his sickness, May 2010, I discovered his fevers occurred at the same time each month.  I started researching his ailments and sure enough, he had every sign of PFAPA.  During block 2, I lucked out and only had to take 3 classes because I had taken the others as a student before Brooke was born.  I took one online, one at night after Corey was home from work, and one while Lance was at preschool.  My sister Ashley and I swapped watching each others kids so I could intern on Fridays. 

   I survived blocks 1 & 2, Lance's illness & my surgery... but the true heroes are my husband and children who were watched over and protected during these semesters.  They were comforted and blessed and they were patient with me during this stressful time.  I will forever be grateful to Corey for taking a week off of work to be with me during and after my surgery.  He had so much fun with the children during that week and was attentive to my every need.  Our relationship has never been stronger than it has been this past year.  We are more patient and understanding of each other.  We are kinder and more caring to each other now than we have ever been.  He is really a special guy and a fantastic husband.

   After a summer off of school, I decided to take fall semester off so Lance would not have to go to a daycare while I student taught.  I intended on attending night school, but quickly realized ASU was not offering a night program in spring 2011.  I also comprehended the busy after school activity schedule of a 7th grader.  My dear friend Danielle has offerred to watch Lance for 2 hours before and 2 hours after preschool on Tuesdays and Thursdays as well as all day on Fridays while I intern.  Lance is SOOOO excited to get to go to Sam's house as well.  I am starting to see myself walking across the podium to receive my degree.  I just have to survive these next 11 months.